July Budget – the one before the Book Festival

It would be wrong of me to tell you I blew my budget for July by the twelfth day. What would be more accurate is that I snuck up behind my budget and violently pressed a wad of tissues drenched in chloroform to its mouth while simultaneously slicing its Achilles tendons so it would fall at my feet. Then I heaved it into the trunk of my car where I proceeded to beat it with a baseball bat. Next I drove it to the top of an abandoned quarry and drop-kicked it into the murky depths. Cos that’s how I roll. Now send money because I know where you live….

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